Saturday, December 25, 2010

Twas the Night Before What?!

Twas the Night Before What?!: "The politically correct night before Christmas..."

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Merry Christmas - Happy Hanukah




Since Christmas was about a Jewish boy being born who would come to save us from our darker natures, here is a little Jewish humor.

Please check this link!

The first one is about a GOOD Jewish dog who .....

Then there are the ones about what he/she will grow up to be....

And the Frum Bear....

Some Jewish Mothers ....

The Jewish Knight ...

Learning to be Jewish .....

Favorite Cookies ....

Yiddish Proverbs & Folk Sayings

and then Yadah, yadah, yadah .......

Monday, December 13, 2010

Merry Christmas from Press For Fun!

If you would like to enjoy your video, musical, activated, resourceful Christmas card, please click here!

A friend sent me this. I HATE forwards! But this is too good NOT to share!

2011 Contract
After serious & cautious consideration... your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2011

It was a very hard decision to make...
So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2011

May peace break into your home
 and may thieves come to steal your debts. 

May the pockets of your jeans
 become a magnet for $100 bills. 

May love stick to your face like Vaseline
and may laughter assault your lips!

May happiness slap you across the face
and may your tears be that of joy

May the problems you had,
forget your home address! 

In simple words .............

May 2011 be the best year
of your life!!!

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

True Life Observations



18 True Observations of Life

  1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square one
  2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.
  3. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.
  4. You’re never quite sure whether it’s against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.
  5. You never know where to look when eating a banana.
  6. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.
  7. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.
  8. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.
  9. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.
  10. More on the site

Sunday, November 14, 2010



~ you've removed the power button from the remote.

~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.

- you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land.

~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot.

~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"

~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.

~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.

 ~ you start recognizing extras in movies.

~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out.

~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV.

~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.

~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.

~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

[author unknown]



~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

It's Remembrance Day in Canada and Veteran's Day in the U.S.

Do you ever need a rest? I think today, even comedy needs a rest. There is nothing funny about offering your life to save freedom! 

So I wrote a "blanket verse" poem as it crossed my mind today, November 11, 2010

Please see a poem that crossed my mind and two videos which I hope cross yours.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

=: Happy 40th Birthday :=

Bernie went out to dinner with his wife Esther to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

Bernie asked: "So what would you like, Darling? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

However, Esther replied: "Bernie, I want a divorce."

Bernie thought for a second and then replied: "Mmmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much..."

[author unknown]

Saturday, August 7, 2010

Do You Have Insurance?

After the barn burned down, Julie called the insurance agent. “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand dollars,” she said, “and we want our money.”

“It doesn’t work like that,” the insurance agent said. “We will assess the value of the building and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”

After a pause, Julie replied, “Then I’d like to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

Life Insurance on the Barn    (From Grant Jeffrey) 

Friday, August 6, 2010

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 2) :=

~ I'm like a roasted marshmallow: crusty on the outside, but a big softie on the inside.
~ I'm not 50. I'm 49.95.
~ I've decided to stop beating around the bush. I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.
~ If all else fails, stop using all else.
~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
~ If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
~ If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.
~ If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
~ It is better to be patient than it is to become one.
~ It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
~ It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
~ It must be tough going through life with a short -- hey look, there goes a butterfly!
~ It's not so much about "Why this?" as "What's next?"
~ Life is like photography... we use the negatives to develop.
~ Live so the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
~ My wife knows just how to motivate me. She'll say, "Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather have a live weasel stapled to your thigh?"
~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
~ She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.
~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
~ Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.
~ Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.
~ The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.
~ The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~ The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.
~ The first rule of holes: if you're in one, stop digging.
~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
~ The late worm misses the early bird.
~ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
~ The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
~ The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
~ There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.
~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
~ To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.
~ To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.
~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
~ Trousers: an unusual word -- singular at the top; plural at the bottom.
~ Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
~ Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.
~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.
~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.
~ You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.
~ You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.
~ You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.
[from Mikey's Funnies --]

Smile of the Week

(contributions for this section are most welcome)

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 1) :=
~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
~ A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
~ Care more than others think wise. Risk more than others think safe. Dream more than others think practical. Expect more than others think possible.
~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
~ Do not believe in miracles... rely on them.
~ Do workaholics have rest cancer?
~ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel?
~ End procrastination... tomorrow!
~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
~ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
~ Goofing off is exhausting -- there's no way to take a break.
~ Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~ He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
~ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
~ I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
~ I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"
~ I know where I am. I've been lost here before.
~ I passed another picket line. One of the signs said "Down with repetition!" So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one...
~ I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
~ I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.
~ I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ I'll take "Sleep" for $1000 please, Alex.
[from Mikey's Funnies --]

Smile of the Week

(contributions for this section are most welcome)
Based on occupation!
Lawyer's daughter......................Sue
Thief's son.................................Rob
Lawyer's son.............................Will
Doctor's son..............................Bill
Meteorologist's daughter............Haley
Steam shovel operator's son.......Doug
Hair stylist's son........................Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son..........Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter...Mary
Sound stage technician's son.....Mike
Hot-dog vendor's son..................Frank
Gambler's daughter....................Bette
Exercise guru's son...................Jim
Cattle thief's son.......................Russell
Painter's son.............................Art
Iron worker's son.......................Rusty
TV show star's daughter............Emmy
Movie star's son.......................Oscar
Barber's son............................Harry
Housewife's son ......................Dusty
Minister's daughter ..................Faith
Day-trader's daughter ...............Hope
Televangelist's daughter ...........Charity
IRS agent's daughter ...............Mony
Geneticist's son ......................Gene
Espresso vendor's son .............Joe
Undertaker's son .....................Barry
Beautician's son .....................Curly
Gardener's son .......................Moe
Florist's daughter ....................Rose
Baker's daughter ....................Cookie
Manicurist's son .....................Hans
Athlete's son ..........................Victor
Lumberjack's son ...................Glenn
Plumber's son ........................John
Accountant's daughter ............Ira
Musician's daughter ................Melody
Jeweler's daughter ..................Opal
Gastrointerologist's daughter ....Fanny
Politician's daughter ................Patsy
Butcher's daughter...................Patty
Bartender's daughter................Brandy
Moving company exec's daughter....Cari
Counterfeiter's son...................Bill
Museum curator's son..............Art
Book printer's daughter.............Paige
Trout fisher's daughter..............Brook
Kindergarten teacher's son.......Skip
Publisher's daughter................Mag
Woodworker's daughter............Peg
Tennis player's son..................Ace
Clothing manufacturer's daughter..Polly Esther
Teacher's son..........................Mark
Landscaper's son.....................Phil
Singer's twin daughters......Harmony & Melody
Highway patrolman's son..........Chase

Sunday, June 27, 2010


(contributions for this section are most welcome)
=: Chicken Man :=
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was and I said "Fried chicken".
She said I wasn't funny. But she couldn't have been right -- everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Specially chicken -- and pork and beef and fish too.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her "Colonel Sanders".
Guess where I am now...
[from Mikey's Funnies --]

Thursday, June 10, 2010

A Child's "Commercial" Idea of God

A fifth grade teacher in a Christian school asked her class to look at TV commercials and see if they could use them in some way to communicate ideas about God. 

Here are some of the results: scroll down.

God is like.
He works miracles. 

God is like.

He's got a better idea.

God is like.
He's the real thing.

(This is great)

God is like.
He cares enough to send His very best.

God is like.
He gets the stains out that others leave behind.

God is like.

He brings good things to life.

God is like.

He has everything.

God is like.
Try Him, you'll like Him

God is like.
You can't see Him, but you know He's there.

God is like.

He's ready when you are.

God is like.
You're in good hands with Him.

God is like.

VO-5 Hair Spray
He holds through all kinds of weather.

God is like.

Aren't you glad you have Him? Don't you wish everybody did?

(that one is my favourite)
God is like. 
Neither rain, nor snow, nor sleet nor ice will keep Him from His appointed destination.
God is like. 
Chevrolet. . . .the heart beat of America
God is like 
Maxwell House. . .
Good to the very last drop

God is like.
ounty. . . . 
He is the quicker picker upper. . can handle the tough jobs. . .and He won't fall apart on you


HE'S also like coffee!

Gets you going in the morning and KEEPS you awake!

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Seniors' Moments Made ALIVE!

92-Year-Old Preacher.

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....

"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... The only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ......

"Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
We are weak but He is strong......
Yes, Jesus loves me......
The Bible tells me so."

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."

This is the best part- - - -

[senior version]

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.


When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."


When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.


I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.


Friday, May 14, 2010

Humorous Thoughts

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. 
-Thomas Edison

Stupid Criminal Videos

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

The Computer EXPERT

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. 

The driver, a young man in an Armani suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. 

The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in
Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives response.
Finally, he prints out a full-colour, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep." Says the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. 

Then the shepherd says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a consultant." says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the shepherd. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know crap about my business."
Now give me back my dog."

Check out

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.