Friday, September 4, 2009

Computer OneLiners and Proverbs


(contributions for this section are most welcome)

=: Computer One-liners (part 3) :=

No matter how much data you add to your laptop, it will not get heavier.

Of course I know how to copy disks. Where's the xerox machine?

One person's error is another person's data.

One picture is worth 128K words.

Operator! Trace this call and tell me where I am.

Owners of digital watches: Your day's are numbered!

Oxymoron: Microsoft Works.

Press any key... no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

Press CTRL-ALT-DEL to continue....

Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

Programmer's Time-Space Continuum: Programmers continuously space the time.

RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

Reference Manual: Object that raises the monitor to eye level. Also used to compensate for that short table leg.

Scheduled Release Date: A carefully calculated date determined by estimating the actual shipping date and subtracting six months from it.

Shift to the left! Shift to the right! Pop up, push down, byte, byte, byte!

Shutting down networkservers reguarly during worktime prevents RSI and develops social contacts at work.

Speed Kills! Use Windows.

System going down at 1:45 for disk crashing.

The box said: 'install on Windows 95, NT 4.0 or better'. So I installed it on Linux.

The definition of an upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

The name is Baud......, James Baud.

The program is absolutely right; therefore the computer must be wrong.

The programmer's national anthem is 'AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH'.

The Queue Principle: The longer you wait in line, the greater the likelihood that you are standing in the wrong line.

There are never enough hours in a day, but always too many days before Saturday.

There are only 10 types of people in this world: those who understand binary, and those who don't."

There are two ways to write error-free programs; only the third one works.

There can never be a computer language in which you cannot write a bad program.

There were computers in Biblical times. Eve had an Apple.

These settings will have no effect until you restart the system.

Reset Universe (Y/N) ?

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, teach. Those who cannot teach, HACK!

To be, or not to be, those are the parameters.

To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.

User error: replace user and press any key to continue.

Warning, keyboard not found. Press Enter to continue.

What boots up must come down.

Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk?

Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

Why do they call this a word processor? It's simple, ... you've seen what food processors do to food, right?

Why do we want intelligent terminals when there are so many stupid users?

Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

Windows 3.1 not found: (C)heer, (P)arty, (D)ance?

Windows is NOT a virus. Viruses DO something.

WINDOWS stands for Will Install Needless Data On Whole System.

Windows: the ultimate triumph of marketing over technology.

You are making progress if each mistake is a new one.

You don't have to know how the computer works, just how to work the computer.

You forgot to do your backup 16 days ago. Tomorrow you'll need that version.

You had mail, but the super-user read it, and deleted it!

You never finish a program, you just stop working on it.


Monday, August 17, 2009

Crazy Questions

* What is the difference between a novel and a book?
* How old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
* If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
* If someone owns a piece of land, do they own it all the way to the center of the earth?
* If you have a cold hot pocket, is it just a pocket?
* If humans evolved from monkeys and/or apes, why are they still here?
* Why is the show called unsolved mysteries? If they were solved they wouldn't be mysteries.
* Do penguins have knees?
* Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?
* How come people tell you not to stand in front of an emergency exit when if there was an emergency surely you would run through it?
* Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?
* Why are both of Spongebob's parents round like sea sponges while he is square like a kitchen sponge?
* Does a two-humped camel store more water than a one-humped camel?
* If you pamper a cow, do you get spoiled milk?
* Why is it that if someone yells "duck" they are helping you, but if they yell "chicken" they are insulting you?
* If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?
* If they have angel food cake on earth, do they have people food cake in heaven?
* Do they call a fortune teller who can't see a "blind seer"?
* Can you cry underwater?
* You know the signs on restaurant doors -- No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service? What if someone goes in with no pants? Would the restaurant still have to serve them?
* If an African elephant comes to America, is it an African-American elephant?
* Why doesn't flavored gum turn your mouth that color?
* If a doctor suddenly died while doing surgery, would the other doctors work on the doctor or the patient?
* Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull our little ones to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle to the ground?
* Why do we say we're head over heels when we're happy? Isn't that the way we normally are?
* If the Wicked Witch of the West melts in water... how did she ever bathe?
* If bald people work as chefs in a restaurant,do they have to wear hairnets?
* Why do sleeping pills have warning labels that state :'Caution: May Cause Drowsiness?
* Do nudists have pin-ups of people with clothes on?
* How can Darth Vader breathe and talk at the same time?
* If there's a wheelchair-bound comedian, is it still called "stand-up"?
* When the French swear do they say pardon my English?
* Do people who use sign language see little hands in their head when they think about what somebody said, or do they hear the words in their head?
* How did Walt Disney figure out how to make people pay to stand in lines all day?
* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
* Why do they call someone "late" if they died early?
* Why are red buttons always the most important?
* How is chess considered a sport?
* Why is it when your sleeping it's called drool but when your awake its called spit?
* If a teacher were to teach a younger grade than they were teaching before, would they be "degraded"?
* Why does every Abraham Lincoln impersonator sound the same, even though there are no known audio recordings of the man?
* How's come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.
* Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
* If marbles are not made of marble, why are they called marbles?
* If you dig a hole through the center of the earth, come out on the other side, and then let go, would you be falling down or floating up?
* Could you be a closet claustrophobic?
* Could someone be addicted to counseling? If so, how would you treat them?
* If ketchup is good on french fries, how come it isn't good on mashed potatoes?
* Where do all the daylight savings hours go?
* Why doesn't the hair on your arms grow as fast as the hair on your head?
* What happens if a black cat walks under a ladder and breaks a mirror?
* Why when people ask you "what three things would you bring with you on a desert island?" no one ever replies, "A BOAT"
* Why are elderly people often called "old people" but children are never called "new people"?
* Why doesn't broccoli come in a can?
* Can you slam a revolving door?
* What would happen if you found a four-leaf-clover under a ladder?
* Can a cross-eyed teacher control his pupils?
* If winnie the pooh was civilized enough to keep his honey in jars, why did he eat it off his hands? Surely he had spoons?
* What happens if you get a paper cut from a Get Well card?
* Can you read a picture book?
* Why does it say "shake well" on ketchup bottles, but not ketchup packets?
* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
* Is eating a mermaid considered cannibalism?
* If mirrors need light to work, what happens if you put night vision goggles on in the dark and look at a mirror?
* What shape is the sky?
* Why is it written "May contain traces of peanuts or other kind of nuts" on peanut butter jars. Are people stupid enough not to realize it themselves?
* If you only have one eye... are you blinking or winking?
* If you have a gun and you ask, "can I ask you a question?" and they say "fire away" should you shoot them?
* What is a chickpea if it is neither a chick nor a pea?
* Why is it called the People's Republic Of China when China is not a republic?

[author unknown]

Friday, March 20, 2009

Thoughts on getting older

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become kinder to myself, and less critical of myself. I've become my own friend. I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

I have seen too many dear friends leave this world too soon; before they understood the great freedom that comes with aging.

Whose business is it if I choose to read or play on the computer until
 4 AM and sleep until noon? I will dance with myself to those wonderful tunes of the 60 &70's, and if I, at the same time, wish to weep over a lost love ... I will.

I will walk the beach in a swim suit that is stretched over a bulging body, and will dive into the waves with abandon if I choose to, despite the pitying glances from the jet set.

They, too, will get old.
I know I am sometimes forgetful.
But there again, some of life is just as well forgotten. And I eventually remember the important things.

Sure, over the years my heart has been broken. How can your heart not break when you lose a loved one, or when a child suffers, or even when so mebody's beloved pet gets hit by a car? But broken hearts are what give us strength and understanding and compassion. A heart never broken is pristine and sterile and will never know the joy of being imperfect.

I am so blessed to have lived long enough to have my hair turning gray, and to have my youthful laughs be forever etched into deep grooves on my face. So many have never laughed, and so many have died before their 
hair could turn silver. 

As you get older, it is easier to be positive. You care less about what other people think. I don't question myself anymore.
I've even earned the right to be wrong.

So, to answer your question, I like being old. It has set me free. I like the person I have become. I am not going to live forever,
but while I am still here, I will not waste time lamenting what could have been, or worrying about what will be. And I shall eat dessert every single day(if I feel like it). 



Friday, February 6, 2009

Read This And Feel Smart

This was passed on to me and I am too lazy to do the research to see if these people actually said these things. So if you want to correct what is here please contact me and I will make it correct.

At least I admit when I DON'T do the research. Unfortunately a lot of our modern media people seem to have forgotten the principle of due diligence which means that you CHECK out stories before you print.

Now don't be too hard on these people. I KNOW you don't know them! Remember that if the stupidest things you or I had said were on this letter, we would probably want to SUE to get
 them off!

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) 
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,'
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life,' 
 Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign .
 'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,' 
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,' 
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,'
--A congressional candidate in Texas
'Half this game is ninety percent mental.'
  --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.' 
--Al Gore, former Vice President

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.' 
 Dan Quayle

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?' 
--Lee Iacocca
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'

--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
 Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.' 
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Feeling smarter yet?    
Send it on to your brilliant friends.
I just did !!

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.