Sunday, March 3, 2019

Riddles to Riddle your Brain

Q: A doctor and a boy were fishing. The boy was the doctor’s son, but the doctor was not the boy’s father. Who was the doctor?
A: His mother.
Q: A man started to town with a fox, a goose, and a sack of corn. He came to a stream which he had to cross in a tiny boat. He could only take one across at a time. He could not leave the fox alone with the goose or the goose alone with the corn. How did he get them all safely over the stream?
A: He took the goose over first and came back. Then, he took the fox across and brought the goose back. Next, he took the corn over. He came back alone and took the goose.
Q: Almost everyone needs it, asks for it, gives it, but almost nobody takes it. What is it?
A: Advice.
Q: A man was driving a black truck. His lights were not on. The moon was not out. A lady was crossing the street. How did the man see her?
A: It was a bright, sunny day.
Q: How many animals did Moses take on the ark? Moses didn’t take anything on the ark.
A: Noah did!
Q: If six children and two dogs were under an umbrella, how come none of them got wet?
A: Because it wasn’t raining.
Q: What always comes into a house through the keyhole?
A: A key.
Q: What belongs to you, but is used more by others?
A: Your name.
Q: What gets wet when drying?
A: A towel.
Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment, but never in a thousand years?
A: The letter M.

Family Riddles 4 Spring

Q: I fall, but I don’t get hurt. I pour, but I’m not a jug. I help plants grow, but I’m not the sun. What am I?
A: Rain.
Q: A cub, a bunny, and a gosling are taking a walk. One of them sneezes. It’s not the animal that hops, and it’s not the animal that flies. Which animal sneezed?
A: The cub.
Q: I am a bow that can’t be tied.
A: A rainbow.
Q: What is small, round, and colorful and gets hidden over and over again?
A: An Easter egg.
Q: There are five holes in the ground and four seeds. A little boy plants one seed in the second hole. Then, a seed exactly to the right of that seed. Next, he plants a seed in the 5th hole, and finally, he plants a seed four holes to the left of that. Which hole did not get a seed?
A: The fourth hole.
Q: Racoons are racing around the tree. Can you spell that without any “r’s”?
A: T-H-A-T
Q: A mama robin has two daughters. Each of her daughters has a brother. How many children does the mama robin have?
A: She has 3, both of the daughters have the same 1 brother.
Q: What has to be broken before you can use it?
A: An egg.
Q: A teacher and a student were counting puddles. The student was the teacher’s daughter, but the teacher was not the girl’s mother. Who was the teacher?
A: Her father.
Q: What can run but can’t walk?
A: Water.

Friday, May 25, 2018

Andy Rooney's "Learnings"

Written by Andy Rooney, a man who had the gift of saying so much with so few words. Rooney has passed away but used to be on CBS's 60 Minutes TV show.

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned ....
That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say no to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in any other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper.  The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away..

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned.....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.


I've learned.....
That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

I've learned....
That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.


Contributed by Jim Smith

Monday, April 2, 2018

POWERPOINT!

Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

The Ballad of PowerPoint [LIKE IT FULL SCREEN?]

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[NOTE: Like humour or humor? Would you like to contribute the CLEAN, FAMILY-FRIENDLY JOKES that you get in your email and become FAMOUS ALL OVER THE WORLD? If so contact me and apply for the HUMOUR REP JOB. Pay is fame and fun!]

Revenue Canada

At the end of the tax year, Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do  you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any  use?"

"Good  question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the  bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh,"  replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

 “What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

 "Ah, yes," replied the executive, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We  save it and
send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive.
"Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

" Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.*


*Apologies to anyone we may have offended by our language above.

Sunday, April 1, 2018

New Dictionary Definitions


Saturday, November 11, 2017

Joke a Day

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries died.

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  A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" 

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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!  

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Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. 

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I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.  
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Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie.

Usually about $12.99
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Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.  
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through. 
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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.  
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Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible 

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Where do cows go on friday night?
To the MOOOOOvies  

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away. 

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Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."  

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With apologies to all the blonds out there ...
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. 

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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How did the blonde try to kill the bird??
She threw it off a cliff. 


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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump!

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Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.  

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Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator. 

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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.  

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Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop. 

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Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"  
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No Lion about This!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. 

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." 
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The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery. 
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Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."  

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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema." 

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.