Are YOU a genius?

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Thomas Edison

SMILES FOR THE WEEK



SMILE OF THE WEEK

=: George Carlinisms :=

* Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
* Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
* Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?
* Does killing time damage eternity?
* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
* Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
* Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
* Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
* Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
* Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?
* Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?
* Why are they saving daylight savings time, and where do they keep it?
* Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
* Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?
* Do pilots take crash-courses?
* Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID he just whipped out a quarter?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
* How can there be self-help "groups"?
* How do you get off a non-stop flight?
* How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
* How many weeks are there in a light year?
* If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?
* If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
* If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
* If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
* If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?
* If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
* If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?
* If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
* If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
* If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
* If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
* If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
* Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
* How come wrong numbers are never busy?
* Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
* Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?
* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
[author unknown]

=============================================
SMILE OF THE WEEK
=: FOR WOMEN ONLY :=
~ Reason to smile: every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.
~ Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
~ One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.
~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
~ I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
~ If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?
[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]


SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER

~ Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.
~ The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You feel like the morning after and you haven't been anywhere.
~ Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
~ Your children begin to look middle aged.
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
~ Your mind makes contracts your body can't meet.
~ You look forward to a dull evening.
~ Your favorite part of the newspaper is "20 Years Ago Today."
~ You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
~ You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.
~ Your knees buckle, and your belt won't.
~ You're 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
~ Your back goes out more than you do.
~ You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
~ You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
~ You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
~ You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
~ You're proud of your lawn mower.
~ Your best friend is dating someone half their age...and isn't breaking any laws.
~ Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
~ You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
~ You make an appointment to see the dentist.
~ People call at 9 pm and ask, "Did I wake you?"
~ You have a dream about prunes.
~ You answer a question with, "Because I said so."
~ You send money to PBS.
~ The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.
~ You take a metal detector to the beach.
~ You wear black socks with sandals.
~ You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
~ Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.

[author unknown]

#564
SIGNS YOU'RE GETTING OLDER -- Part 2

~ You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as "Old Folks MTV").
~ If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
~ You keep repeating yourself.
~ You discover bifocals are stylish.
~ When you do the "Hokey Pokey" you put your left hip out... and you can't get it back around.
~ Most women you know under 40 put you in the "Friend of my Father" class.
~ Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
~ You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
~ Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."
~ People don't harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
~ Your social security number only has three digits.
~ In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
~ Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
~ No one expects you to run into a burning building.
~ Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
~ People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
~ There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
~ Things you buy now won't wear out.
~ You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
~ You can eat dinner at 4:00.
~ You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
~ You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
~ You're actually interested in hearing about other people's operations.
~ You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.
~ You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
~ You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
~ You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
~ You sing along with the elevator music.
~ You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.
~ Your eyes won't get much worse.
~ Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
~ Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
~ Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
~ Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[author unknown]

#553
=: Assorted Wisdom (part 1) :=

~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
~ A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
~ Care more than others think wise. Risk more than others think safe. Dream more than others think practical. Expect more than others think possible.
~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
~ Do not believe in miracles... rely on them.
~ Do workaholics have rest cancer?
~ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel?
~ End procrastination... tomorrow!
~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
~ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
~ Goofing off is exhausting -- there's no way to take a break.
~ Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~ He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
~ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
~ I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
~ I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"
~ I know where I am. I've been lost here before.
~ I passed another picket line. One of the signs said "Down with repetition!" So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one...
~ I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
~ I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.
~ I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ I'll take "Sleep" for $1000 please, Alex.

[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]
 

==========================================
=: Happy 40th Birthday :=

Bernie went out to dinner with his wife Esther to celebrate her fortieth birthday.

Bernie asked: "So what would you like, Darling? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

However, Esther replied: "Bernie, I want a divorce."

Bernie thought for a second and then replied: "Mmmmm, I wasn't planning on spending that much..."

[author unknown]
 

==========================================

=: Conflicting Proverbs :=

Actions speak louder than words.
The pen is mightier than the sword.

Look before you leap.
He who hesitates is lost.

Many hands make light work.
Too many cooks spoil the broth.

A silent man is a wise one.
A man without words is a man without thoughts.

Beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.

Clothes make the man.
Don't judge a book by its cover.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
Better safe than sorry.

The bigger, the better.
The best things come in small packages.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Out of sight, out of mind.

What will be, will be.
Life is what you make it.

Cross your bridges when you come to them.
Forewarned is forearmed.

What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
One man's meat is another man's poison.

With age comes wisdom.
Out of the mouths of babes and sucklings come all wise sayings.

The more, the merrier.
Two's company; three's a crowd.

[author unknown]
 

===============================================

Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."
~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"
~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.
~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."
~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.
~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.
~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.
~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.
~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.
~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.
~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.
~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.
~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.
~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.
~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.
~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.
~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."
~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.
~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.
~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.
~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.
~ War was a card game.
~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.
~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.
~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.
~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.
~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.

[author unknown]


============================================

 IT'S SO HOT THAT...

~ The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
~ The trees are whistling for the dogs.
~ The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
~ Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.
~ You can make sun tea instantly.
~ You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
~ The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
~ You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
~ You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
~ You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
~ You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 am.
~ Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
~ You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
~ Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.

[author unknown]
=============================================

=: Truths For Mature Humans :=

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies... quit laughing!)

[author unknown]
===========================================

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN...

~ you've removed the power button from the remote.

~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.

- you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land.

~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot.

~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"

~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.

~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.

~ you start recognizing extras in movies.

~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out.

~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV.

~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.

~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.

~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.

[author unknown]
================================================
IF MEN REALLY RULED THE WORLD...

* nodding would be considered an acceptable response to "I love you."
* the funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
* your raise would be tied to the fortunes of your fantasy sports team.
* a "night out with the boys" once a week would be obligatory.
* the workday would start a lot closer to noon.
* every anniversary gift you would ever need could be found at the local hardware store.
* tanks would be a *lot* easier to rent.

[author unknown]
================================================
=: School Chips :=

Laws of Applied Terror...
First Law of Applied Terror: When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible.

Second Law of Applied Terror: The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want.

Third Law of Applied Terror: 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read.

Fourth Law of Applied Terror: Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course.

Fifth Law of Applied Terror: The night before the English History mid-term, your biology instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.

Sixth Law of Applied Terror: If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.

Seventh Law of Applied Terror: If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you live.

[author unknown]

Contributions for this section are most welcome.==================================================


=: Truths For Mature Humans :=
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies... quit laughing!)
[author unknown]

===================================================
=: RETARDED GRANDPARENTS :=
(this was allegedly reported by a teacher)

After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following :
"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.
They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Bateau Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!

They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.
They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.

There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.

At their gate, there is a doll's house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!

Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.
And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.
Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll's house.
The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll's house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."
[author unknown]

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Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

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