Seniors

Okay Seniors (Yes I AM ONE! :)

Some days I feel a bit like this lady in the video below. How about you? :)





Rules for Halloween for Seniors


You know you are too old to Trick or Treat when:
10. You keep knocking on your own front door.


9. You remove your false teeth to change your
appearance.





8. You ask for soft high fiber candy only.

7. When someone drops a candy bar in your bag,
you lose your balance and fall over.




6. People say: 'Great Boris Karloff Mask,'And you're not wearing a mask.


5. When the door opens you yell, 'Trick or...'And you can't remember the rest.


4. By the end of the night, you have a bag full of restraining orders.



3. You have to carefully choose a costume that doesn't dislodge your hairpiece.


2. You're the only Power Ranger in the neighborhood with a walker.


And the #1 reason Seniors should not go

Trick Or Treating...

***1. You keep having to go home to pee.



Contributed by Barrie.
=====================================
SENIORS TRAVEL

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous Destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.  He called them into his shop: 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'



He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off!

About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.  'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said.  'I've come to thank you but, one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?'

ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING! (:-0>
===============


Truths For Mature Humans


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.


2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font. 


5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?


6. Was learning cursive really necessary?


7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood. 


8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.


9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.


10. Bad decisions make good stories.


11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.


12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.


13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.


14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.  


15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well. 


16. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey -- but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!


17. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.


18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.


19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?


20. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!  


21. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.


22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch three consecutive times and still not know what time it is.


23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies... quit laughing!)
-[author unknown]


======================


Being a Kid Again


Sometimes I want to be a kid again. I want to go back to the time when:

~ Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-mo."

~ Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming "do over!"

~ "Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest.

~ Money issues were handled by whoever was the banker in "Monopoly."

~ Catching the fireflies could happily occupy an entire evening.

~ It wasn't odd to have two or three "best" friends.

~ Being old referred to anyone over 20.

~ The net on a tennis court was the perfect height to play volleyball and the rules didn't matter.

~ The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was cooties.

~ It was magic when dad would "remove" his thumb or take my nose off my face.

~ It was unbelievable that dodgeball wasn't an Olympic event.

~ Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a slingshot.

~ Nobody was prettier than Mom.

~ Scrapes and bruises were kissed and made better.

~ It was a big deal to finally be tall enough to ride the "big people" rides at the amusement park.

~ Getting a foot of snow was a dream come true.

~ Abilities were discovered because of a "double-dog-dare."

~ Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute ads for action figures.

~ "Oly-oly-oxen-free" made perfect sense.

~ Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles.

~ The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team.

~ War was a card game.

~ Water balloons were the ultimate weapon.

~ Baseball cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle.

~ Taking drugs meant orange-flavored chewable aspirin.

~ Ice cream was considered a basic food group.

~ Older siblings were the worst tormentors but also the fiercest protectors.
[author unknown]

==================================

=: FOR WOMEN ONLY :=

~ Reason to smile: every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

~ Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~ One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

~ If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com

========================================================
RETARDED  GRANDPARENTS?


(this  was allegedly reported by a teacher)


After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.



One child wrote the following :



"We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa.



They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Bateau Bay where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore!



They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore.



They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises  there, but they don't do them very well.



There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on.



At  their gate, there is a doll's house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes  they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!



Nobody there cooks, they just eat out.



And, they eat the same thing every night -- early birds.



Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll's house.


The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.

My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.

When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll's house.

Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren."
[author unknown]


==========================================================

My Resume



1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory,    but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.



2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.


3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn't suited for it -- mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.


5. Then, tried being a Chef--figured it would add a little spice   to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it... couldn't cut the mustard.


7. My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.


8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool MaintenanceCompany, but the work was just too draining. 

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job. 

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it. 

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

15SO, I TRIED Retirement AND FOUND I'M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!         

=============================================
92-Year-Old Preacher

While watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a church in Atlanta honoring one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, he rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak....


"When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me.... The only thing that would comfort was this verse........ ......



"Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to Him belong, We are weak but He is strong...... Yes, Jesus loves me...... The Bible tells me so."

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don't believe I will ever forget it.

A pastor once stated, "I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children's hymn 'Jesus Loves Me' (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best."

This is the best part- - - -

JESUS LOVES ME
[senior version]

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I'll go
On through life, let come what may,
He'll be there to lead the way.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.


When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
"Have no fear, for I am near."

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

When my work on earth is done,
And life's victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I'll understand His love.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

(CHORUS)

YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.

==============================================
One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church, to which he replied, "I'm not going."

"Why not?" she asked.

"I'll give you two good reasons," he said. "One, they don't like me, and two, I don't like them."

His mother replied, "I'll give YOU two good reasons why YOU SHOULD go to church.

(1) You're 59 years old, and
(2) you're the pastor!"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-)

The Phone Call



The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello". "Mrs. Ward, please."

"Speaking."

 "Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When your doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from another Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is your husband's. Frankly, the results are either bad or terrible."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other one tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."

"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again?" questioned Mrs. Ward. "Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time."

"Well, what am I supposed to do now?" "The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0

Bob

Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, showed up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She knocks everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and hangs over Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.

His buddies at the club were all aghast.

At the very first chance, they cornered him and asked, "Bob, how'd you get the trophy girlfriend?"

Bob replied, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!"

They're knocked over, but continued to ask. "So, how'd you persuade her to marry you?"

"I lied about my age", Bob replied.

"What, did you tell her - that you were only 50?"

Bob smiled and said, "No, I told her I was 90."

:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-) (:-0

Our five-year-old grandson couldn't wait to tell his grandfather about the movie we had watched on television, "20,000 Leagues Under the Sea." The scenes with the submarine and the giant octopus had kept him wide-eyed. In the middle of the telling, my husband interrupted Mark, "What made the submarine sink, was it the octopus?"

With a look of incredulity Mark replied, "No, Grampa, it was the 20,000 leaks!"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-) (:-0

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused.

"Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

During my brother's wedding, my mother managed to keep from crying---until she glanced at my grandparents.

My grandmother had reached over to my grandfather's wheelchair and gently touched his hand. That was all it took to start my mother's tears flowing.

After the wedding, Mom went over to my grandmother and told her how that tender gesture triggered her outburst.

"Well, I'm sorry to ruin your moment," Grandmother replied, "but I was just checking his pulse."

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A woman's husband dies. He had left $30,000 to be used for an elaborate funeral.

After everything is done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that "there is absolutely nothing left from the $30,000."

The friend asks, "How can that be?"

The widow says, "Well, the funeral cost was $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the church. That was $500, and I spent another $500 for the wake, food and drinks. The rest went for the memorial stone.

The friend says, "$22,500 for the memorial stone? My God, how big is it?"

The widow says, "Four and a half carats."

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Bad Medical Advice

Mildred, 93, was despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl, so she decided to just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to learn her heart's exact location.

"Since you're a woman," the doctor said, "your heart is just below your left breast. Why do you ask?"

She hung up without answering.

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

My mom has a lead foot, so I was not surprised when a highway patrolman pulled us over as we were driving along the freeway. Hoping to get off with a warning, Mom tried to appear shocked when he walked up to the car.

"I have never been stopped like this before," she said to the officer.

"What do they usually do, ma'am," he asked, "shoot the tires out?"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

My 50-something friend Nancy and I decided to introduce her mother to the magic of the Internet. Our first move was to access the popular "Ask Jeeves" site, and we told her it could answer any question she had.

Nancy's mother was very skeptical until Nancy said, "It's true, Mom. Think of something to ask it."

As I sat with fingers poised over the keyboard, Nancy's mother thought a minute, then responded, "How is Aunt Helen feeling?"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

After many years of trying, the Russian family was finally able to bring grandpa to America to live with them. The old gentleman could only speak Russian.

Each day when the family members were at work grandpa would spend his time in the park, walking, watching the children play and feed the ducks a few crumbs he brought along. So that he would be able to get a little something to eat they taught him to say, "apple pie, coffee."

Each day he would go to the nearby deli, climb on a stool at the counter and say to the counterman, "Apple pie, coffee."

This worked well for him until one day he decided that he just couldn't take another piece of apple pie. So the family taught him to say, "Ham sandwich, coke."

He went to the park the next day looking forward to being able to order a ham sandwich instead of apple pie. Smiling to himself he climbed onto the stool at the counter and waited his turn.

When the counterman asked for his order he proudly said, "Ham sandwich, coke."

To which the counterman asked, "White or rye?"

The old man replied, "Um, apple pie, coffee."

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

The Old Man

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellow's absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, "How come after all these years we don't see you at services anymore?"

The old man lowered his voice. "I'll tell you, Rabbi," he whispered. "When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. So, I figured that God is very busy and must've forgotten about me, and I don't want to remind Him!"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

At a nursing home in Victoria, a group of Senior Citizens was sitting around talking about their ailments:

"My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.

"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad I can't even SEE my coffee," replied another.

"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.

My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," another went on.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.

Then there was a short moment of silence.

"Well, it's not that bad," said one woman cheerfully. "Thank God we all can still drive!"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car; neither was barely able to see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Crap! Am I driving?"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Perks of being over 55

Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

No one expects you to run into a burning building.

People call at 9 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"

People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

Things you buy now won't wear out.

You can eat dinner at 4 P.M.

You enjoy hearing about other peoples operations.

You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You sing along with elevator music.

Your eyes won't get much worse.

Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

An old man was driving down the Interstate at 22 miles per hour, never going faster or slower. A police officer noticed and followed him for a while, then pulled him over.

Before the officer could even get to the car, the man was saying, "I was not speeding, the speed limit is 22 miles per hour and that is exactly what I was doing, I was not speeding."

The police officer said, "I didn't pull you over for speeding, I pulled you over for going too slow."

"But the sign says 22."

The officer explained that he was on Interstate 22.

As the man shook his head, the officer noticed that there were three older ladies in the back of the car. All of them were sitting with their mouths hanging open and spit drooling down the side. Their faces were very white and their hair was completely messy.

The police officer leaned toward the man and asked, "What's wrong with them?"

"Well, we just came off Interstate 134."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

More thoughts on growing older...

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

Insanity is my only means of relaxation.

Forget the health food; I need all the preservatives I can get.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets.

You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

Perhaps you know why women over 50 don't have babies: They would put them down somewhere and forget where they left them.

My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away.

God put me on Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever.

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.

Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling." Caution: Leave air holes.

I finally got my head together and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Retirement Questions

Q. When is a retiree's bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Q. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

Q. What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
A. There is not enough time to get everything done.

Q. Why don't retirees mind being called senior citizens?
A. The term comes with a 10% discount.

Q. Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

Q. Why do retirees count pennies?
A. They are the only ones who have the time.

Q. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

Q. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Q. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal

Q. What is the best way to describe retirement?
A. The never-ending Coffee Break.

Q. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
A. If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.

Q. Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

In our family, my aunt is thought of as a merry old soul because she sings as she goes about her daily routine.

One day I took the time to listen to the words of her songs, only to hear, "Now let me see, where did I put my keys?" and "I've got to remember to turn off the oven."

I asked why she sang about such trivial things. "Annie," she answered, "if people hear me singing, they think I'm a happy old buzzard. If they hear me talking to myself, they'll think I'm daft and send me off to a rest home."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0


When my flight was called, an elderly couple preceded me along the boarding ramp. We entered the airport bus, where a stewardess collected our boarding passes. As we were being driven along the runway the woman said, "What do you think, Pa?" He scratched his chin and replied, "Danged if I know - never seen one without wings before."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem.

"Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

"Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

No response.

On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?".

No response.

So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"For the fifth time, CHICKEN!"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly." The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?" "Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

After working his farm every day, an old farmer rarely had time to enjoy the large pond in the back that he had fixed up years earlier with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and benches. So one evening he decided to go down and see how things were holding up. Much to his surprise, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a group of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."

The old farmer replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I only came down to feed the alligator."

Moral: Old age and treachery will always triumph over youth and skill.
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he planned to be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.

Turning to the man next to him, he complained, "I forgot my teeth, what am I going to do now!?"

The man said, "No problem." He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them on. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair -- try these."

The speaker tried them on and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He said, "I have one more pair. Try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that, he ate his meal and gave his speech. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went to thank the man& who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm an undertaker."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

I had just reached the wicket to purchase tickets to an exhibit. My friend was counting out admission money when I noticed the DISCOUNT TO SENIORS sign overhead. Only then did it occur to me that I had qualified at my last birthday, the month before.

I was so excited at the prospect of a discount for the first time that I yelled out: "Wait. Don't pay full price for me. I get a seniors' discount!"

Then, quietly, I asked the ticket seller if he needed proof of my age. In a voice heard by everyone standing behind me, he said, "Lady, any woman who would yell out her age like you did doesn't have to show me proof."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

MY FATHER, at age 93, had only the most basic needs and very few wants. Last fall my sister-in-law, hoping to get a little help in choosing a suitable birthday gift for him, asked, "Pa, what would you like for your birthday this year?"

"Nothing, " he replied.

"But, Pa," she kidded, "that's what we gave you last year."

"Well," he answered, "I'm still using it."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

An elderly woman called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Three older ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand in front of the refrigerator and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down.

The third one responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem; knock on wood!" as she rapped her knuckles on the table, then told them "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Our friend, who had just turned 60, was doing some spring planting with the help of his 91 year-old father. When the older man began to put up beanpoles in straight lines, the son suggested that stacking them teepee-style was better. A disagreement arose.

"Dad," our friend finally said, sighing, "this is my garden, and I want to use the teepees."

The father threw down his hoe and stomped off towards the house. "You kids!" he snorted over his shoulder. "Turn sixty and think that you know everything!"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A new wine for seniors
California vintners in the Napa Valley area, which primarily produces Pinot Blanc, Pinot Noir and Pinot Grigio wines, have developed a new hybrid grape that acts as an anti-diuretic.

It is expected to reduce the number of trips older people have to make to the bathroom during the night.

The new wine will be marketed as Pino More.
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A Heart Warming Story - An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head. His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A group of Canadians were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of making cheese, explaining that goats’ milk was used. She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing. These, she explained, were the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produced. She then asked, “What do you do in Canada with your old goats?”

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours".
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."

"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor's office.

Is it true," she wanted to know, "that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?"

"Yes, I'm afraid so," the doctor told her.

There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied,

"I'm wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked 'NO REFILLS'."
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled.

Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.

"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.

"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.

"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0(:-) (:-0

Ladies and Gentlemen:

I am a senior citizen.

During the Clinton Administration I had an extremely good and well paying job. I took numerous vacations and had vacation homes.
Since President Bush took office, I have watched my entire life change for the worse. I lost my job. I lost my two sons in that terrible Iraqi War.

I lost my home. I lost my health insurance.
As a matter of fact, I lost virtually everything and became homeless. Adding insult to injury, when the authorities found me living like an animal, instead of helping me, they arrested me.

I will do anything to ensure President Bush's defeat in the next election.

I will do anything that Senator Kerry wants to ensure that a Democrat is back in the White House come next year. Bush has to go. I just thought you and your listeners would like to know how one senior citizen views the Bush Administration.

Thank you for taking the time to read my letter.

Sincerely,
Saddam Hussein
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0

An elderly gentleman (mid seventies), very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady, (mid seventies).

The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
(:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0 (:-) (:-0

Scotch and Water
A elderly lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."

The bartender says, "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one's on me."

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you," to the woman on her right.

"Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming up," says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."

The old woman says, "Thank you, sir. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water."

"Coming right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink, he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"

The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

A Time to CELEBRATE !!! Canada! The U.S.!

Am I An American?

Robin Williams - The Flag

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to ........

Funny Stuff

More Funny Videos

Seniors and Technology: The Force is With YOU!-tube

Humor-Therapy Looks Good

Where is Your Life Going?

Dumb Criminals Busted!

The California Drug Bust!

See What Texting Can Do For YOU?

Jackie Mason Politics for Geezers & WayBacks!

PowerPoint Comedy - PhD

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

PowerPoint Comedy 1

How Not To Use PowerPoint

Loading...

Some Funny Videos - Like PowerPoint?

Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

The Ballad of PowerPoint [LIKE IT FULL SCREEN?]





==========================================
[NOTE: Like humour or humor? Would you like to contribute the CLEAN, FAMILY-FRIENDLY JOKES that you get in your email and become FAMOUS ALL OVER THE WORLD? If so contact me and apply for the HUMOUR REP JOB. Pay is fame and fun!]