Saturday, November 11, 2017

Joke a Day

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"


Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries died.


  A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" 

Why did the dog sit in the shade?

Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!  


Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. 

I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.  

Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie.

Usually about $12.99
Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.  

For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through. 
How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.  

Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible 

Where do cows go on friday night?
To the MOOOOOvies  


What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away. 

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."  

With apologies to all the blonds out there ...

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. 

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
How did the blonde try to kill the bird??
She threw it off a cliff. 


Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump!

Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.  


Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator. 

Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.  


Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop. 

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"  
No Lion about This!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. 

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." 

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery. 
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."  


A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema." 

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Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.