Saturday, November 11, 2017

Joke a Day

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

===========================

Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries died.

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  A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" 

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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!  

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Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. 

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I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.  
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Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie.

Usually about $12.99
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Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.  
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through. 
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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.  
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Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible 

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Where do cows go on friday night?
To the MOOOOOvies  

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away. 

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Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."  

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With apologies to all the blonds out there ...
==========>

A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. 

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
====================>
How did the blonde try to kill the bird??
She threw it off a cliff. 


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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump!

==================================
Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.  

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Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator. 

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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.  

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Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop. 

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Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"  
=================================
No Lion about This!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. 

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." 
==================================

The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery. 
==================================
Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."  

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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema." 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

08.12: An Eden Funny

today'sFUNNY===========================

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

today'sTHOT============================
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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08.13: A Gracie "Funny"

AMAZING GRACIE'S DEVOTION
By Saralee Perel

This month I began writing one column after another, but nothing clicked. I finally realized my mind's been on a subject that I've been postponing putting into words. But now it is time.
My dog, Gracie, is coming to the end of her life. If only she had lived the life she deserved.
She was a year old when she was found abandoned on the streets of Fall River. When my husband, Bob, and I brought her home, she was terrified of us.

One day she was next to me while I was making soup. As I often do when I cook, I was singing. When I belted out "Oklahoma," I raised my large spoon toward the ceiling for emphasis. She hit the ground on all fours and, petrified, scooted away as if I was going to hit her with the spoon. Clearly she had been abused. She wouldn't even let us hug her.

Finally one glorious day, Gracie made a decision. While cooking spaghetti, I told Bob, "Pasta is done when you fling a piece to the ceiling and it sticks." I balanced a gigantic clump of spaghetti on a huge spoon. "Dare me?"
"No!"

I whipped the spaghetti straight up.

We watched the glob of pasta dangle from the ceiling before it plopped to the floor in one big heap. Bob said, "I guess it's not done."

Had I seen Gracie watching us, I'd never have swung the spoon. But there she stood, smiling, as dog lovers can attest dogs actually do. Then she planted happy sloppy kisses all over my face.

"Oh Gracie." For the first time, she let me hug her. "Welcome to your home, my golden dog."
Though it may seem silly, lately I've been singing my own version of "Amazing Grace" to her.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound That saved and strengthened me. You once were lost, but now you're found Instead of spending her middle years doing fun dog stuff, all she wanted to do was protect me. After my spinal cord surgery, I could barely walk.
She always worried about me. I scrunched her cheeks, "No more worrying. I want you to play, have fun. Be a dog!" But year after year, she would not leave my side, even for her breakfast or dinner. She was my keeper. Instead of playing in our fenced-in backyard, she'd sit outside the glass slider, looking in and watching me.
I told Bob how sad this made me.

"Gracie has never been happier, Saralee."
"But she's always on full alert. She never has fun."
"This is her purpose. She was born for this. She is a lifeguard in every sense. The fact that she is YOUR lifeguard is the biggest gift you could give her. She is honored. She is noble. And she is happiest when she is serving her higher purpose."
It is because of Gracie that I re-learned to walk, though I was scared. But with her assistance, I did it.

'Twas Grace that taught my heart no fear, And Grace all fear relieved. How precious was that Grace was here The hour I first believed.
Gracie, on my left, wore a harness. I had the grip of the leather as well as her strong body next to me for balance. With no training, Gracie knew to take one step, then waited while I took one step. After we repeated this process 4 more times, I shouted, "HALLELUJAH!"

Gracie gave me a billion kisses while we hugged.
Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come; 'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far And Grace will lead me home.

Those glory years sped by all too soon. Now, nearly 15 years old, she is feeble and in rapid decline. Though her eyes are cloudy, she sees shapes and knows which shape is me. Though she's stiff and aches, she always walks by my side. Though she can no longer hear, she feels the vibrations of me getting out of bed, and slowly pulls her body up from her heated dog bed to resume sentry duty.

Sometimes I wonder if she is hanging on because she believes I can't make it without her.
Last week, out of my love for my beautiful dog, I told her something very hard to say. I believe she heard me. "Gracie, my golden dog." I glided my fingers through her fur. "I could never have walked without your help. But I can walk by myself now." I kissed her forehead. "You will forever be my hero and my lifeguard."

I whispered through tears, "No matter how far I will walk, you will always be on my left. No matter how long I live, I will always see you, looking carefully in front of my path, making sure I am safe." And then, it was painfully hard to say, "If you're too tired, you can let go now, and rest in peace my golden dog. Oh, my Gracie." I lay next to her with my head on her shoulders. "Thank you."

When her flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease. I shall possess, within my veil Her loyal and eternal peace.
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Award-winning columnist/novelist, Saralee Perel, welcomes e-mails at sperel@saraleeperel.com or via her website: www.saraleeperel.com. She also welcomes friends on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SaraleePerel
Copyright 2010 Saralee Perel. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

today'sTHOT============================
Love is lovely when it's easy, but much truer when it's hard.
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08.16: A Pastor Funny

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

[forwarded by JR Whitby]

today'sTHOT============================
Today I'm gonna make yesterday jealous.

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08.17: A Boss Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
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today'sFUNNY===========================

Bill, the boss, was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his door.
After lunch, he noticed Willie had taped another note under his: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]

today'sTHOT============================
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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08.18: A Sun Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/
today'sFUNNY===========================

From Tammy Rosenfeldt
A most recent conversation I overheard in the car...

Abby: "You know, Caleb, Jesus has it all in His hands. The sun, the stars, the earth-everything!"

Caleb: "And the moon!"
Abby: "Yes, and the moon! I hope He's careful with the sun, though-it gets really hot! I hope He doesn't burn His hands."
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Tammy's blog, Tales From a Stay-at-Home Mom:
http://www.tjrosenfeldt.blogspot.com/
Copyright 2010 Tammy Rosenfeldt. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
today'sTHOT============================
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."
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08.19: A Trial Funny

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

today'sTHOT============================
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.



















08.20: A Jack "Funny"

today'sFUNNY===========================

By Dr. Michael A. Halleen

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free." (Psalm 119:32)
I first noticed Jake when he was praying. We were traveling with a Russian singing group that was appearing in U.S. and Canadian churches. Jake handled the sound equipment, and I drove the van.

We often stayed in homes of church members to save money along the way, and on this occasion he and I were roommates. I awoke after some minutes asleep and noticed a bedside light still on. There, on the other side of his bed, Jake was kneeling on the floor praying silently, his face lifted up, eyes shut tight, back ramrod straight. I watched for some minutes and fell asleep again with the light still on, Jake still praying.

After that I began to notice more about how Jake lived. A quiet young man, he had done little until then to draw my attention. What I saw was someone who, with no more noise than his prayers had created, lived life with enthusiasm and joy. He was interested in things, concerned about people and eager to see and learn all he could. A Russian himself, he was visiting the West for the first time and was thrilled with every new road and town and name and restaurant. He threw himself into trying to learn our language, laughing at his failures and exulting in his successes. With a light in his eyes Jake loved life and his sample of it.
Since traveling with Jake I have observed that people who live successfully have that same kind of attitude. They participate in what is happening. They make an effort. They tackle opportunities with abandon. They focus mentally and spiritually on the many things that are good and right about life. They appreciate that a lifetime is not really a long time—here today, gone tomorrow. So they live it while they can, with hearts that are free.

At the end of our tour, Jake embraced me at the airport and said, "Thank you, Michael. Is like a dream." His words — and way of living — came back to me when I saw the latest film adaptation of Jules Verne's "Around the World in Eighty Days." In it there is a line that reads: I traveled the world looking for inspiration, and I found it in a man who lives what he dreams.
Jake inspired me. He was a man whose heart was free, and it freed him to live his dream.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

You can contact Mike at mhalleen2@gmail.com to be added to his weekly devotional email list, "Monday Moments."
Also check out Mike's book "You Are Rich: Discovering Faith in Everyday Moments":
http://snipurl.com/mHalleen (Amazon info)

Copyright 2010 Dr. Michael A. Halleen. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

today'sTHOT============================
Small minds discuss persons. Average minds discuss events. Great minds discuss ideas.
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08.23: An Offering Funny


today'sFUNNY===========================

During the last Sunday service that the visiting pastor was to spend at the
church he served for some months, his hat was passed around for a
goodwill offering.

When it returned to the pastor, it was empty. The pastor didn't flinch. He
raised the hat to Heaven and said, "I thank You, Lord, that I got my
hat back from this congregation."

today'sTHOT============================
The road to success is always under construction.
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08.24: A Hot Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
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today'sFUNNY===========================

IT'S SO HOT THAT...
..The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
..The trees are whistling for the dogs.
..The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
..Hot water now comes out of both taps in the sink.
..You can make sun tea instantly.
..You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
..The temperature drops below 95 F (35 C) and you feel a little chilly.
..You discover that in August it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
..You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
..You actually burn your hand opening the car door.
..You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
..Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"
..You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.
..Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
[forwarded by Johanna Boman]
today'sTHOT============================
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
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08.25: A Sign Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
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today'sFUNNY===========================

SIGN ON THE DOOR
By W. Bruce Cameron
From a sign I recently posted to my teenage daughter's bedroom door:
Welcome to your room! Please take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with these instructions, which, like all of your father's rules, are designed
to make your stay in his house comfortable and less inconvenient to his life.
Room Access: When you first enter the room, you'll notice that you'll have some trouble pushing the door into its fully open position. This is
because you've elected to ignore the drawers and closet space provided for you, instead organizing all of your clothing in large heaps on the floor.
I've given up trying to change your ways, so I've decided to make the best of the situation and assign your bedroom as sleeping space for our new
puppy, who has proven so difficult to housebreak. Yours is the only room in the house where I can be reasonably sure it won't ruin the carpet.
Maid Service: Please note that we do not provide maid service for you, and even if we did I'm not sure a maid would be up to the task of making your
bed. Your covers appear to have been run through a tree shredder--how you manage to sleep underneath what looks like a beaver dam is anybody's guess.
Apparently you don't have enough time in the mornings to straighten your blankets, so I've decided to get you up each morning a full fifteen minutes
earlier than the day before, until we find an hour that affords you the opportunity to address the situation. This will continue as unbroken process
until I am waking you up before you've even gone to bed. If you think I'm bluffing, you probably don't remember that when you were a baby, you woke
me up at four thirty every single morning for a year.
Bathroom: Speaking of mornings, you and your teenage sister have been playing out the same drama over the bathroom every weekday for as long as I can
remember. It's a longer-running show than Cats, and it always climaxes with one of you standing in the hallway and screaming at the other. To
preclude even one more encore presentation of "I Need To Use The Bathroom You've Been In There An Hour Hurry Up You're Making Me Late," I've done
something rather innovative to the bathroom door: I've removed it.
Guests: Your room is your "property," as you often state, to the same extent as your contribution to the house payment, which is to say, zero
percent. Still, you can have anyone you want in your room, as long as the person doesn't have any personality defects, such as "male."
Curfew: We have, by my calculations, spent over two hundred man hours arguing about curfew, which I always want to be "early" and you prefer to be
"never." The whole exercise was, in my opinion, a real waste of breath, since you ignore the rules anyway. Apparently--and I cannot fault your logic
here--you believe that if you just stay out late enough, I'll fall asleep and you can claim you were home in time and didn't want to wake me. To
resolve this matter, when you're out on a date, I'll stretch out in your bed and wait for you to return. If I fall asleep, I imagine you'll decide
it's okay to wake me up when you get home.
Incense: Recently you've taken to filling the atmosphere with strawberry-flavored pollution. Unfortunately, as is true with the music you listen to,
the walls of your room don't prevent your tastes from leaking out into other people's senses. In fact, it sounds and smells as if the band has been
playing so loudly they've set their instruments on fire. This is why I've put an exhaust fan in your room with the on/off switch in mine.
Of course, there is a more simple way to handle this: You're of legal age, now, you could just move out. I suppose it's inevitable that you're going
to be doing so anyway. And then these rules will be unnecessary. Yet somehow I don't think I'll be happier; after nearly two decades of living with
you, I sort of like having you around.
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08.26: A Gas Funny

today'sFUNNY===========================

A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many cars
ahead of him in front of the service station. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "sorry about the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

today'sTHOT============================
The sign said "Eight items or less." So I changed my name to Les.
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08.27: An Incapacitated Funny

today'sFUNNY===========================

I was recovering from surgery when a charity representative phoned asking me to take part in a door-to-door fund-raising effort.
"Sorry," I replied, "but I've been incapacitated."
Undaunted, the caller kept trying to convince me to change my mind and volunteer.
I interrupted and said, "I'm incapacitated. Do you know what that means?"
She hesitated. "It means your head was cut off?"

today'sTHOT============================
They say you can't really know someone until you walk a mile in their shoes. I say if they've got itsy-bitsy feet or some kind of foot disease, I
don't wanna know 'em.

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08.30: A TV Funny


today'sFUNNY===========================

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH TV WHEN...
~ you've removed the power button from the remote.
~ you know the names of the top 10 lawn bowlers.
- you recite the lines word for word with the actors on TV Land.
~ you start recording soap operas so you don't miss any of the plot.
~ your kids grow up thinking the only thing you can say is "shh, be quiet!"
~ you don't think Bart Simpson is bad, just misunderstood.
~ commercials become more important than going to the bathroom.
~ you start recognizing extras in movies.
~ you continue to watch TV when the cable goes out.
~ you enjoy other climates by watching the snow on TV.
~ you send fan mail to cartoon characters.
~ your monthly cable/satellite bill is larger than your house payment.
~ you send fan mail to infomercial stars.
today'sTHOT============================
Anyone who says "Easy as taking candy from a baby" has never tried it.
=======================================
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08.31: A Memory Funny

Two middle-aged couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techniques, like visualization, association, and so on. It was great. I haven't had a problem since."

"Sounds like something I could use. What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank. He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the

long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!"

He turned to his wife, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that memory clinic?"

today'sTHOT============================
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.
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09.01: A Job Funny


fromMIKEY==============================
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today'sFUNNY===========================

THE JOB TEST
To see if you would fit into our work environment, we have come up with a test for you to take when you arrive for your interview. To give people an equal footing, here are questions similar to the ones that will be on the test.

INSTRUCTIONS:
Read each question carefully. Answer all questions in full. Time limit: 4 hours. Begin immediately.

BIOLOGY:
Create life. Estimate the differences in subsequent human culture if this form of life had developed 500 million years earlier, with special attention to its probable effect on the English parliamentary system. Prove your thesis.

ART:
Recreate sound in 3D. Include all reference material.

ECONOMICS:
Develop a realistic plan for refinancing the national debt. Trace the possible effects of your plan in the following areas: Cubism, the Donatist controversy, and the wave theory of light. Outline a method for preventing these effects. Criticize this method from all points of view.

EPISTEMOLOGY:
Take a position for and against truth. Argue with yourself and lose. If you win, keep trying.

GENERAL KNOWLEDGE:
Describe in detail. Be objective and specific.

MEDICINE:
Your test administrator will provide you with a razor blade, a piece of gauze and a bottle of Scotch. Remove your appendix. Do not suture until your work has been inspected. You have 15 minutes.

MUSIC:
Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with flute and drum. You will find a trumpet under your seat.

PHILOSOPHY:
Sketch the development of human thought. Next, sketch the thoughts you had while sketching the development of human thought. Now scribble. Compare and contrast the three sketches, estimating the significance of the differences.

GOVERNMENT:
There is a red telephone on the desk beside you. Start World War III. Report in detail on its socio-political effects, if any.

SOCIOLOGY:
If you were an extinct society, what would you do?
PUBLIC SPEAKING:
2,500 riot-crazed Aborigines will storm the testing room at the beginning of the fourth hour. Calm them. You may use any ancient language, except Latin or Greek.
EXTRA CREDIT:
Define the universe; give three examples.
today'sTHOT============================
A child's greatest period of growth is the month after you've purchased new school clothes.
=======================================
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09.02: A Doorbell Funny


today'sFUNNY===========================

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder, leans over and gives the doorbell a solid ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy turns and hollers, "Now we run!"

today'sTHOT============================
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents, despite every effort to teach them good manners.
=======================================
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09.03: A Carpe Diem "Funny"


WORDS TO LIVE BY

I have a friend who lives by a three-word philosophy: Seize the moment.

Just possibly she may be the wisest woman on this planet.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming, or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back.

From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed?

Does the word "refrigeration" mean nothing to you?

How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched "Jeopardy!" on television?

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?"

She would gasp and stammer, "I can't."

The reason? Check one:
I have clothes on the line.
My hair is dirty.
I wish I had known yesterday.
I had a late breakfast.
It looks like rain.
And my personal favorite: It's Monday.
She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect:
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.
We'll entertain when we replace the living room carpet.
We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to," "I plan on," and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my "seize the moment" friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of rollerblades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years.
I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my hips with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process.

The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day.

Do something you WANT to...not something on your SHOULD DO list.

Hear the music before the song is over.
today'sTHOT============================
Our greatest hopes and our worst fears are seldom realized.
=======================================

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09.07: A Words Funny

English professor: "There are two words I don't allow in my class. One is
'gross' and the other is 'cool.'"

Student: "Yeah? So, what are the words?"

today'sTHOT============================
Live each day like it's your last. One day you'll get it right.
=======================================

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09.08: A Song Funny

Some of the artists of the '60s & '70s are revising their hits with new lyrics to accommodate aging baby boomers. They include:

Bobby Darin - Splish, Splash, I Was Havin' A Flash

Herman's Hermits - Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Walker

Ringo Starr - I Get By With A Little Help From Depends

The Bee Gees - How Can You Mend A Broken Hip

Roberta Flack - The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face

Johnny Nash - I Can't See Clearly Now

Paul Simon - Fifty Ways To Lose Your Liver

The Commodores - Once, Twice, Three Times To The Bathroom

Procol Harem - A Whiter Shade Of Hair

Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Napping

The Temptations - Papa's Got A Kidney Stone

Abba - Denture Queen
Tony Orlando - Knock 3 Times On The Ceiling If You Hear Me Fall

Helen Reddy - I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore
Leslie Gore - It's My Procedure, and I'll Cry If I Want To

And Last but NOT least...
Willie Nelson - On the Commode Again
[forwarded by Kerry Jones]
today'sTHOT============================
If crime doesn't pay, does that mean my job is a crime?
=======================================
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09.09: An Exam Funny

"Thank you for all that laughing that you have been givin' me. It has been a very funny life since I started getting them. I have made a 'Joke Book' with all your jokes. I live in South Africa and had lot of fun with the Soccer World Cup here. Thanks again for all the jokes."
-- Martin
today'sFUNNY===========================

In the examination paper, the professor wanted us to sign a form stating that we had not received any outside assistance. Unsure of whether he should sign the form, a student stated that he had prayed for the assistance of God.
The professor carefully studied the answer page and then said, "You can sign it with a clear conscience. God did not assist you."
today'sTHOT============================
Football is not a contact sport; it is a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport.
=======================================
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09.10: A Wreck Funny

"So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved.
"And then he rang up a second time and said, 'You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again.
"He rang up a third time and said 'You're actually the new managing director.' And I went into a tree.
"So a policeman came up and asked, 'What happened to you?' And I said 'I careered off the road.'"
today'sTHOT============================
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling the drive before it has stopped snowing.
=======================================
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Monday, August 28, 2017

Bike Ride to ....

What ???????   

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought two large bottles of wine and put it in the bicycle basket.


 
As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottles would break.
 
So I drank all the wine before I cycled home.
 
It turned out to be a very good decision because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.

Having a Bad Day? Really? Read this!!!

True??? I don't know how you could make this stuff up.
They make for a good read either way!
True or not, they bring a smile. 

Thinyou are havinbad day?

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both!


Stilthink yoarhavina bad day?


A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.


STILthink you'rhavina bad day?


Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.

STILthink you'rhavina bad day?

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire. 

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific -- the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.

Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. but keep reading....

STILL havinbad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.


Wha?! Stilthink you'rhavina bad day?
Jusremembericoulbe worse.

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance, they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.

Ther-- feeling better now?

A Time to CELEBRATE !!! Canada! The U.S.!

Am I An American?

Robin Williams - The Flag

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to ........

Funny Stuff

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Where is Your Life Going?

Dumb Criminals Busted!

The California Drug Bust!

See What Texting Can Do For YOU?

Jackie Mason Politics for Geezers & WayBacks!

PowerPoint Comedy - PhD

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

Technology Geezers Can Understand. Get out that MAGNIFYING GLASS. This is as big as I could get it.

PowerPoint Comedy 1

How Not To Use PowerPoint

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Some Funny Videos - Like PowerPoint?

Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

The Ballad of PowerPoint [LIKE IT FULL SCREEN?]





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