Friday, August 6, 2010

Smile of the Week

SMILE OF THE WEEK
(contributions for this section are most welcome)

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 1) :=
~ A clean house is a sure sign of a broken computer.
~ A penny saved is just another thing for the cat to knock off of the dresser.
~ A person who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
~ A smart man only believes half of what he hears. A wise man knows which half.
~ Aim low. Reach your goals. Avoid disappointment.
~ A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with bricks others have thrown at him.
~ A veteran is someone who, at one point in their life, wrote a blank check made payable to The United States of America for an amount up to and including their life.
~ Age is an awfully high price to pay for maturity.
~ All general statements are false, except this one.
~ All I want is a warm bed, a kind word, and unlimited power.
~ All that glitters has a high refractive index.
~ An unemployed jester is nobody's fool.
~ As soon as I get some grip on reality, I'm going to choke it.
~ Aspire to inspire before you expire.
~ At pilot's training back in the Air Corps they taught us, "Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you make."
~ Bad decisions make good stories.
~ Bald spot? No, that's a solar panel for brain power.
~ Beware of the letter 'G'! It is the end of everything!
~ Bread is square. Why is sandwich meat round?
~ By the time a man realizes that maybe his father was right he usually has a son who thinks he's wrong.
~ By the time you reach 50, people expect you to be mature, responsible, wise, and dignified. This is the time to disillusion them.
~ Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection... again.
~ Care more than others think wise. Risk more than others think safe. Dream more than others think practical. Expect more than others think possible.
~ Coffee makes it possible to get out of bed. Chocolate makes it worth it.
~ Do not believe in miracles... rely on them.
~ Do workaholics have rest cancer?
~ Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
~ Don't you hate it when people can't sphel?
~ End procrastination... tomorrow!
~ Every time I hear that dirty word, "exercise," I wash out my mouth with chocolate.
~ Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
~ Goofing off is exhausting -- there's no way to take a break.
~ Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional.
~ Having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
~ He who laughs last didn't get the joke.
~ How are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
~ How come it takes more brains and effort to fill out the income-tax form than it does to earn the income?
~ I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
~ I dialed a number and got the following recording: "I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call. I am making some changes in my life. Please leave a message after the beep. If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes."
~ I don't repeat gossip, so listen carefully the first time.
~ I finally remembered the punch line! But now I forgot the joke.
~ I finished 50 push-ups this morning! (I started them in 2005.)
~ I heard that how you dress sends a message to everyone around you. I think my message must be, "Help! Help!"
~ I know where I am. I've been lost here before.
~ I passed another picket line. One of the signs said "Down with repetition!" So did the next one. And the next one, and the next one...
~ I saw a group of mimes walking a picket line. Their placards were blank.
~ I started early teaching my kids the value of a dollar. From then on, they demanded their allowances in gold.
~ I think my problem is indecisiveness. Or maybe it's procrastination.
~ I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
~ I was struck by an odd thought recently. Fortunately, it was only a glancing blow.
~ I wrestled with my conscience once, but everyone knew I was faking it. Oddly enough, they watched anyway.
~ I'd like to be the ideal mother, but I'm too busy raising my kids.
~ I'll take "Sleep" for $1000 please, Alex.
[from Mikey's Funnies -- www.mikeysfunnies.com]

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