Friday, August 6, 2010

=: Assorted Wisdom (part 2) :=

~ I'm like a roasted marshmallow: crusty on the outside, but a big softie on the inside.
~ I'm not 50. I'm 49.95.
~ I've decided to stop beating around the bush. I'm going to move on to the ornamental shrubbery.
~ If all else fails, stop using all else.
~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I'd spend six sharpening my axe.
~ If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
~ If you always do what you always did, you'll always get what you always got.
~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren't doing much at 20.
~ If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough.
~ It is better to be patient than it is to become one.
~ It is better to be roughly right than to be precisely wrong.
~ It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
~ It must be tough going through life with a short -- hey look, there goes a butterfly!
~ It's not so much about "Why this?" as "What's next?"
~ Life is like photography... we use the negatives to develop.
~ Live so the preacher won't have to tell lies at your funeral.
~ Love is like a rose. You have to see past the thorns to appreciate its beauty.
~ My wife knows just how to motivate me. She'll say, "Do you want to do the dishes tonight, dear, or would you rather have a live weasel stapled to your thigh?"
~ Nothing is worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
~ One time my kids wanted to surprise me with a good breakfast in bed on Father's Day. They put a cot in the kitchen.
~ Remember not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult still, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
~ She had her face lifted, but it turned out there was one just like it underneath.
~ Silence is often misinterpreted, but never misquoted.
~ Since God and the angels are always watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
~ Some drink from the fountain of knowledge. Other just rinse and spit.
~ Sooner or later, everybody gets old, right? I vote for later.
~ Spring allergies and a full-face motorcycle helmet are not a pleasant combination.
~ The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, but only when the interest is kept up.
~ The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.
~ The economy has gotten so bad that yesterday I received in the mail a pre-declined credit card application.
~ The first rule of holes: if you're in one, stop digging.
~ The hand that rocks the cradle usually is attached to someone who isn't getting enough sleep.
~ The late worm misses the early bird.
~ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
~ The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
~ The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can't stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
~ There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.
~ There's nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
~ To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.
~ To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funnybone.
~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.
~ Trousers: an unusual word -- singular at the top; plural at the bottom.
~ Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
~ Why should I learn algebra? I have no intention of ever going there.
~ Women are angels. And when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly... on a broomstick. We're flexible like that.
~ Yesterday I lost all self-control, but I found it today. It was under the couch.
~ You don't stop playing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop playing.
~ You know you're getting old when you wonder what you'd feel like if you weren't taking vitamins.
~ You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
~ Your child needs your love the most when they deserve it the least.
[from Mikey's Funnies --]

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