Are YOU a genius?

The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits. - Thomas Edison

Friday, November 16, 2007

Fwd: Fw: Lord's Prayer

THE Lord's PRAYER - Revisited

Rather cleverly done. This is in two parts, the prayer

( in blue type) and GOD (in red type) in response.

It is very, very good.

*********

Our Father Who Art In Heaven.
Yes?
Don't interrupt me. I'm praying.
But -- you called ME!
Called you?
No, I didn't call you.
I'm praying.
Our Father who art in Heaven.
There -- you did it again!

Did what?
Called ME.
You said,
"Our Father who art in Heaven"
Well, here I am.
What's on your mind?
But I didn't mean anything by it.
I was, you know, just saying my prayers for the day.
I always say the Lord's Prayer.
It makes me feel good,
kind of like fulfilling a duty.
Well, all right.
Go on.
Okay, Hallowed be thy name .
Hold it right there.
What do you mean by that?
By what?
By "Hallowed be thy name"?
It means, it means . . good grief,
I don't know what it means.
How in the world should I know?
It's just a part of the prayer.
By the way, what does it mean?
It means honored, holy, wonderful.
Hey, that makes sense.
I never thought about what 'hallowed' meant before.
Thanks.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done,
on earth as it is in Heaven.
Do you really mean that?
Sure, why not?
What are you doing about it?
Doing? Why, nothing, I guess.

I just think it would be kind of neat if you got

control, of everything down here like you have up

there. We're kinda in a mess down here you know.
Yes, I know;
but, have I got control of you?
Well, I go to church.
That isn't what I asked you.
What about your bad temper?
You've really got a problem there, you know.
And then there's the way you spend your money --
all on yourself.
And what about the kind of books you read?
Now hold on just a minute!
Stop picking on me!
I'm just as good as some of the rest of those

People at church!

Excuse ME.
I thought you were praying
for my will to be done.
If that is to happen,
it will have to start with the ones
who are praying for it.
Like you -- for example ..
Oh, all right. I guess I do have some hang-ups.
Now that you mention it,
I could probably name some others.
So could I.
I haven't thought about it very much until now,
but I really would like to cut out some of those things.
I would like to, you know, be really free.
Good.
Now we're getting somewhere. We'll work together -- You and ME.
I'm proud of You.
Look, Lord, if you don't mind,
I need to finish up here.
This is taking a lot longer than it usually does.
Give us this day, our daily bread.
You need to cut out the bread.
You're overweight as it is.
Hey, wait a minute! What is this?
Here I was doing my religious duty,
and all of a sudden you break in
and remind me of all my hang-ups.
Praying is a dangerous thing.
You just might get what you ask for.
Remember,
you called ME -- and here I am.
It's too late to stop now.
Keep praying. ( . pause . . )
Well, go on.
I'm scared to.
Scared? Of what?
I know what you'll say.
Try ME.
Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us .
What about Ann?
See? I knew it!
I knew you would bring her up!
Why, Lord, she's told lies about me, spread stories.
She never paid back the money she owes me.
I've sworn to get even with her!
But -- your prayer --
What about your prayer?
I didn't -- mean it.

Well, at least you're honest.
But, it's quite a load carrying around all that bitterness
and resentment isn't it?
Yes, but I'll feel better as soon as I get even with her.
Boy, have I got some plans for her.
She'll wish she had never been born.
No, you won't feel any better.
You'll feel worse.
Revenge isn't sweet.
You know how unhappy you are --
Well, I can change that.
You can? How?
Forgive Ann.
Then, I'll forgive you;
And the hate and the sin,
will be Ann's problem -- not yours.
You will have settled the problem
as far as you are concerned.
Oh, you know, you're right.
You always are.
And more than I want revenge,
I want to be right with You . . (sigh).
All right all right . .
I forgive her.
There now!
Wonderful!
How do you feel?
Hmmmm. Well, not bad.
Not bad at all!
In fact, I feel pretty great!
You know, I don't think I'll go to bed uptight tonight.
I haven't been getting much rest, you know.
Yeah, I know.
But, you're not through with your prayer are you? Go on.
Oh, all right.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
Good! Good! I'll do that.
Just don't put yourself in a place
where you can be tempted.
What do you mean by that?
You know what I mean.
Yeah. I know.
Okay.
Go ahead. Finish your prayer.
For Thine is the kingdom,
and the power,
and the glory forever.
Amen.
Do you know what would bring me glory --
What would really make me happy?
No, but I'd like to know.
I want to please you now.
I've really made a mess of things.
I want to truly follow you.
I can see now how great that would be.
So, tell me . .
How do I make you happy?
YOU just did.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

SMILES FOR THE WEEK

SMILE OF THE WEEK

(contributions for this section are most welcome)

Ponder this...

Are snakes afraid of other snakes?

If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?

Why don't ceramic cats come complete with synthetic hairballs?

At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?

Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?

Do hermits ever suffer from peer pressure?

Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?

If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?

Could you be arrested for selling 'illegal-sized' paper?

If you wear your heart on your sleeve, where do you display other bodily parts?

And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

How would you ever know if a word was mis-spelled in the dictionary?

If we know the speed of light, why hasn't anyone calculated the speed of dark?

How come birds aren't tickled by feathers?

If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

[author unknown]

Sunday, October 14, 2007

NEW Footsteps by Daniel O'Donnell

FOOTPRINTS...A New Version

Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord's footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.

But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.


For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord's, soon paralleling His consistently.

You and Jesus are walking as true friends!

This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus' are now walking precisely in His steps.

Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.


This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.

Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.

This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.

You are amazed and shocked.
Your dream ends. Now you pray:
"Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You."

"That is correct."


"And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely."


"Very good.. You have understood everything so far."


When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way."


"Precisely."


"So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first."


There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.


"You didn't know? It was then that we danced!"

A Season

To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance. Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.

Monday, October 1, 2007

I LOVE my Job!

I LOVE MY JOB . . . . . .

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma! This
is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at
work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana . He
performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.

Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio
station 103.2 FM in Ft. Wayne , Indiana , who was sponsoring a
worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling
down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you
to make you realize it's not so bad after all .

Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with
a few technicalities of my job.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit
to the office. It's a wet suit. This time of year the water is quite
cool. So what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered
industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the
water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is
taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've
used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose
and stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit
with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi..

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to
itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse.
Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from
my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.

The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my
suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't
stick to it However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His
instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other
divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing
in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could
reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived
at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down
his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as
I got in the chamber.

The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was
swollen shut.

So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it
would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, 'I love my job, I love my job, I love my job.'

Now whenever you have a bad day, ask yourself, is this a jellyfish bad day?

May you NEVER have a jellyfish bad day!!!!!

Monday, August 27, 2007

More Weird Animals - Have You Seen Any of These Lately?

Is this a Polar Tiger?

















Ever seen an alligator frog or is it a crocodile frog?

SMILE OF THE WEEK

SMILE OF THE WEEK

Some Things to Think About :=

* On the bags of miniature candy bars it says, 'Fun Size'. Does this mean that the regular size bars are not fun?

* Why aren't they called bakies instead of cookies?

* If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?


* Why do mothers always say that their child cannot play until their room is clean? What will the room look like after the child plays?

* How come we as children will fight tooth and nail not to have a nap only to find ourselves as adults wishing with all of our hearts that we could?

* Wouldn't it be nice to be able to forgive each other as quickly and effortlessly as children forgive each other?

* Didn't the guy who laughs last had to have it explained to
him?

* Isn't it better by far that you forget and smile, rather than remember and be sad?

* Why would there be a key to happiness? Isn't the door always open?

* Where do socks go when they get lost in the dryer?

* Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes, would they eventually just disappear?

* Do Clothing manufacturers really expect us to run a whole wash for each item marked 'wash separately'?

Saturday, August 18, 2007

The Buzzard, The Bat, The Bumblebee

The Buzzard, The Bat, The Bumblebee


Subject: The Buzzard,The Bat,& The Bumblebee

THE BUZZARD: If you put a buzzard in a pen that is 6 feet by 8 feet and is entirely open at the top, the bird, in spite of its ability to fly, will be an absolute prisoner. The reason is that a buzzard always begins
a flight from the ground with a run of 10 to 12 feet. Without space to run, as is its habit, it will not even attempt to fly, but will remain a prisoner for life in a small jail with no top.

THE BAT: The ordinary bat that flies around at night, a remarkable
nimble creature in the air, cannot take off from a level place. If it is
placed on the floor or flat ground, all it can do is shuffle about
helplessly and, no doubt, painfully, until it reaches some slight elevation from which it can throw itself into the air. Then, at once, it takes off like a flash.

THE BUMBLEBEE: A bumblebee, if dropped into an open tumbler, will be

there until it dies, unless it is taken out. It never sees the means of
escape at the top, but persists in trying to find some way out through
the sides near the bottom. It will seek a way where none exists, until
it completely destroys itself.

PEOPLE: In many ways, we are like the buzzard, the bat, and the
bumblebee. We struggle about with all our problems and frustrations,
never realizing that all we have to do is look up!

Sorrow looks back, worry looks around, but faith looks up!

Live simply, Love generously, Care deeply, Speak kindly and trust in
our Creator Who loves us.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

OLDER THAN DIRT?

H ey Dad,' one of my kids asked the other day, 'What was your favorite fast food when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him. 'All the food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously. Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'at home,'' I explained. 'Grandma cooked every day and when Grandpa got home from work, we sat down together at ! the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate I was allowed to sit there until I did like it'

By this time, the kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table. But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore Levis, set foot on a golf course, traveled out of the country or had a credit card. In their later years they had something called a revolving charge card. The card was good only at Sears Roebuck. Or maybe it was Sears AND Roebuck. Either way, there is no Roebuck anymore. Maybe he died.

My parents never drove me to soccer practice. This was mostly because we never had heard of soccer. I had a bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow). We didn't have a television in our house until I was 11, but my grandparents had one before that. It was, of course, black and white, but they bought a piece of colored plastic to cover the screen. The top third was blue, like the sky, and the bottom third was green, like grass. The middle third was red. It was perfect for programs that had scenes of fire trucks riding across someone's lawn on a sunny day. Some people had a lens taped to the front of the TV to make the picture look larger.

I was 13 before I tasted my first pizza, it was called 'pizza pie.' When I bit into it, I burned the roof of my mouth and the cheese slid off, swung down, plastered itself against my chin and burned that, too. It's still the best pizza I ever had.

We didn't have a car until I was 15. Before that, the only car in our family was my grandfather's Ford. He called it a 'machine'

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone in the house was in the living room and it was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line.

Pizzas were not delivered to our home. But milk was.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and all boys delivered newspapers. I delivered a newspaper, six days a week. It cost 7 cents a paper, of which I got to keep 2 cents. I had to get up at 4 AM every morning. On Saturday, I had to collect the 42 cents from my customers. My favorite customers were the ones who gave me 50 cents and told me to keep the change. My least favorite customers were the ones who seemed to never be home on collection day.

Movie stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the movies. Touching someone else's tongue with yours was called French kissing and they didn't do that in movies. I don't know what they did in French movies. French movies were dirty and we weren't allowed to see them.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.

Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?


MEMORIES from a friend:

My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it. I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?

Head lights dimmer switches on the floor.
Ignition switches on the dashboard.
Heaters mounted on the inside of the fire wall.
Real ice boxes.
Pant leg clips for bicycles without chain guards.
Soldering irons you heat on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn signals.

Older Than Dirt Quiz: Count all the ones that you remember not the ones you were told about. Ratings at the bottom.

1. Blackjack chewing gum
2. Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
3 Candy cigarettes
4. Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
5 Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
6. Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
7. Party lines
8. Newsreels before the movie
9. P.F. Flyers
10. Butch wax
11. Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
12. Peashooters
13. Howdy Doody
14. 45 RPM records
15. S&H Green Stamps
16 Hi-fi's
17 Metal ice trays with lever
18 Mimeograph paper
19 Blue flashbulb
20. Packards
21. Roller skate keys
22. Cork popguns !
23. Drive-ins
24. Studebak ers
25 Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!


I might be older than dirt but those memories are the best part of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!! Especially to all your really
mature friends.... I took out the word old!

'Senility Prayer'...God grant me...
The senility to forget the people I never liked
The good fortune to run into the ones that I do
And the eyesight to tell the difference.'

Have a great week !!!


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Robin Williams - The Flag

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Some Funny Videos - Like PowerPoint?

Have you ever seen a PowerPoint presentation that was SOOO GOOD, you couldn't take your eyes from it?

On the other hand, have you ever seen one which you couldn't get your eyes open again?

Check some of these out. And if you need help with YOUR POWERPOINT, checkout my PowerPoint Presentations Blog.

I ABSOLUTELY LOVE this one! Apparently it was done for an English class. I think an A+ would be in order!

The Ballad of PowerPoint [LIKE IT FULL SCREEN?]





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