Saturday, November 11, 2017

Joke a Day

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

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Why did the little boy bury his flashlight?
Because the batteries died.

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  A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses." The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts." The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!" 

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Why did the dog sit in the shade?

Because he didn't want to be a hot dog!  

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Q: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
A: One has claws at the end of its paws and the other is a pause at the end of a clause. 

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I just read a book about Helium. It was so good that I can't put it down.  
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Teacher: What is the value of Pi?
Student: Depending on what pie.

Usually about $12.99
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Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.  
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For a period, Houdini used a trap door in every single show he did…I guess you could say it was a stage he was going through. 
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How is Christmas like your job? You do all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the credit.  
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Q. How much room is needed for fungi to grow?
A. As mushroom as possible 

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Where do cows go on friday night?
To the MOOOOOvies  

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What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad away. 

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Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: "Put it on my bill."  

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With apologies to all the blonds out there ...
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull. The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, "I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram." 

She goes to the market and finds one for $499. Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. 

She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word "comfortable."

Skeptical, the operator asks, "How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?"

The redhead replies, "She's a blonde so she reads slow: 'Come for ta bull.'"
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How did the blonde try to kill the bird??
She threw it off a cliff. 


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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump!

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Q: Why did the witches' team lose the baseball game?
A: Their bats flew away.  

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Q: How do you count cows?
A: With a cowculator. 

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Q: Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
A: Because he was always spotted.  

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Q: What do you call a pig that does karate?
A: A pork chop. 

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Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"  
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No Lion about This!

Two guys are walking through a game park & they come across a lion that has not eaten for days. The lion starts chasing the two men. 

They run as fast as they can and the one guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, "Please turn this lion into a Christian, Lord."

He looks to see if the lion is still chasing and he sees the lion on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the lion.

As he comes closer to the lion, he hears the it saying a prayer: "Thank you Lord for the food I am about to receive." 
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The energizer bunny was arrested on a charge of battery. 
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Teacher: "Name a bird with wings but can't fly."
Student: "A dead bird, sir."  

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A boy with a monkey on his shoulder was walking down the road when he passed a policeman who said, "Now, now young lad, I think you had better take that monkey the zoo." The next day, the boy was walking down the road with the monkey on his shoulder again, when he passed the same policeman. The policeman said, "Hey there, I thought I told you to take that money to the zoo!" The boy answered, "I did! Today I'm taking him to the cinema." 

Thursday, October 12, 2017

08.12: An Eden Funny

today'sFUNNY===========================

Adam and Eve said, "Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted.

And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, "Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well."
And God said, "No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility.

And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased. And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn't care one way or the other.

today'sTHOT============================
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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08.13: A Gracie "Funny"

AMAZING GRACIE'S DEVOTION
By Saralee Perel

This month I began writing one column after another, but nothing clicked. I finally realized my mind's been on a subject that I've been postponing putting into words. But now it is time.
My dog, Gracie, is coming to the end of her life. If only she had lived the life she deserved.
She was a year old when she was found abandoned on the streets of Fall River. When my husband, Bob, and I brought her home, she was terrified of us.

One day she was next to me while I was making soup. As I often do when I cook, I was singing. When I belted out "Oklahoma," I raised my large spoon toward the ceiling for emphasis. She hit the ground on all fours and, petrified, scooted away as if I was going to hit her with the spoon. Clearly she had been abused. She wouldn't even let us hug her.

Finally one glorious day, Gracie made a decision. While cooking spaghetti, I told Bob, "Pasta is done when you fling a piece to the ceiling and it sticks." I balanced a gigantic clump of spaghetti on a huge spoon. "Dare me?"
"No!"

I whipped the spaghetti straight up.

We watched the glob of pasta dangle from the ceiling before it plopped to the floor in one big heap. Bob said, "I guess it's not done."

Had I seen Gracie watching us, I'd never have swung the spoon. But there she stood, smiling, as dog lovers can attest dogs actually do. Then she planted happy sloppy kisses all over my face.

"Oh Gracie." For the first time, she let me hug her. "Welcome to your home, my golden dog."
Though it may seem silly, lately I've been singing my own version of "Amazing Grace" to her.

Amazing Grace, how sweet the sound That saved and strengthened me. You once were lost, but now you're found Instead of spending her middle years doing fun dog stuff, all she wanted to do was protect me. After my spinal cord surgery, I could barely walk.
She always worried about me. I scrunched her cheeks, "No more worrying. I want you to play, have fun. Be a dog!" But year after year, she would not leave my side, even for her breakfast or dinner. She was my keeper. Instead of playing in our fenced-in backyard, she'd sit outside the glass slider, looking in and watching me.
I told Bob how sad this made me.

"Gracie has never been happier, Saralee."
"But she's always on full alert. She never has fun."
"This is her purpose. She was born for this. She is a lifeguard in every sense. The fact that she is YOUR lifeguard is the biggest gift you could give her. She is honored. She is noble. And she is happiest when she is serving her higher purpose."
It is because of Gracie that I re-learned to walk, though I was scared. But with her assistance, I did it.

'Twas Grace that taught my heart no fear, And Grace all fear relieved. How precious was that Grace was here The hour I first believed.
Gracie, on my left, wore a harness. I had the grip of the leather as well as her strong body next to me for balance. With no training, Gracie knew to take one step, then waited while I took one step. After we repeated this process 4 more times, I shouted, "HALLELUJAH!"

Gracie gave me a billion kisses while we hugged.
Through many dangers, toils and snares I have already come; 'Tis Grace that brought me safe thus far And Grace will lead me home.

Those glory years sped by all too soon. Now, nearly 15 years old, she is feeble and in rapid decline. Though her eyes are cloudy, she sees shapes and knows which shape is me. Though she's stiff and aches, she always walks by my side. Though she can no longer hear, she feels the vibrations of me getting out of bed, and slowly pulls her body up from her heated dog bed to resume sentry duty.

Sometimes I wonder if she is hanging on because she believes I can't make it without her.
Last week, out of my love for my beautiful dog, I told her something very hard to say. I believe she heard me. "Gracie, my golden dog." I glided my fingers through her fur. "I could never have walked without your help. But I can walk by myself now." I kissed her forehead. "You will forever be my hero and my lifeguard."

I whispered through tears, "No matter how far I will walk, you will always be on my left. No matter how long I live, I will always see you, looking carefully in front of my path, making sure I am safe." And then, it was painfully hard to say, "If you're too tired, you can let go now, and rest in peace my golden dog. Oh, my Gracie." I lay next to her with my head on her shoulders. "Thank you."

When her flesh and heart shall fail, And mortal life shall cease. I shall possess, within my veil Her loyal and eternal peace.
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Award-winning columnist/novelist, Saralee Perel, welcomes e-mails at sperel@saraleeperel.com or via her website: www.saraleeperel.com. She also welcomes friends on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/SaraleePerel
Copyright 2010 Saralee Perel. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.

today'sTHOT============================
Love is lovely when it's easy, but much truer when it's hard.
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08.16: A Pastor Funny

A pastor places his order at the pet store: "I need at least 50 mice, 2,000 ants and as many of those little silverfish you can get."
The clerk replies, "We can probably do that, but it might take some time. Mind if I ask why you are placing such an unusual order?"
The pastor replies, "I've accepted a call to another church and the pastor's council told me to leave the parsonage the way I found it."

[forwarded by JR Whitby]

today'sTHOT============================
Today I'm gonna make yesterday jealous.

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08.17: A Boss Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/
today'sFUNNY===========================

Bill, the boss, was concerned that his employees weren't giving him enough respect, so he tried and old fashioned method of persuasion: He brought in a sign that said "I'm the Boss" and taped it to his door.
After lunch, he noticed Willie had taped another note under his: "Your wife called. She wants her sign back!"

[forwarded by Steve Sanderson]

today'sTHOT============================
In just two days from now, tomorrow will be yesterday.
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08.18: A Sun Funny

Mikey's Funnies is generously hosted by Agathon Group, website development and hosting with a ministry heart:
http://www.agathongroup.com/
today'sFUNNY===========================

From Tammy Rosenfeldt
A most recent conversation I overheard in the car...

Abby: "You know, Caleb, Jesus has it all in His hands. The sun, the stars, the earth-everything!"

Caleb: "And the moon!"
Abby: "Yes, and the moon! I hope He's careful with the sun, though-it gets really hot! I hope He doesn't burn His hands."
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Tammy's blog, Tales From a Stay-at-Home Mom:
http://www.tjrosenfeldt.blogspot.com/
Copyright 2010 Tammy Rosenfeldt. Permission is granted to send this to others, with attribution, but not for commercial purposes.
today'sTHOT============================
When you work here, you can name your own salary. I named mine "Fred."
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08.19: A Trial Funny

A motorist was on trial for striking a pedestrian.

The motorist's lawyer made this point: "Your honor, my client has been driving for over thirty years."

To which the lawyer for the plaintiff retorted: "Your honor, if we are going to judge this case by experience, may I remind you that my client has been walking for over 55 years!"

[forwarded by Gretchen Patti]

today'sTHOT============================
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.



















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